Living in a haze of a life where you don’t know what you want and pretend you don’t care is pretty shite…where you don’t set goals or create intentions because deep down you can’t let yourself believe you could actually create an amazing life. So you just drift along, dreaming about things but thinking, “Yeah, right.” Going after your dreams is way more fun, but can be scary, and can feel like being upside down on a rollercoaster at first. You may start to get kind of attached to certain outcomes in order to feel happy or successful. (Or maybe just addicted to the thrill of people “liking” your Facebook status.)
An interesting side-effect to taking my life in a new direction, deciding to take full responsibility for my life, starting a business and getting excited about what I want is that I’m becoming so intense at times I just can’t let go of what I want... Like right now, I can't stop writing this. I have to publish it TONIGHT. It’s the flipside of “killing” my desire by working at a dull job, numbing out and delaying my dreams. This is exciting! Being a control freak isn’t. Hence my exploration into the topic of Aparigraha (non-attachment.)
Leaving it all behind
I just read a blog post about a guy who gave away all his personal belongings, closed his bank account, his email and his phone (yes, no Twitter and Facebook) and then cut contact with ALL friends and family and went to live in far away with limited human contact for TWO YEARS…to let go of all attachments and return to a simpler way of living. It has got me thinking. Surprisingly, I like the idea of leaving everything behind and going and living on top of a mountain for a while. It sounds so liberating and peaceful. There would be no distractions and you could really experience some real Yoga. The only thing is… I think I’d start getting excited about the kind of life I want to create and would probably want to come back early so I could get started! To me that means that maybe being a renunciate is not my kind of lifestyle… I’d find it hard to let go and would feel I was missing out.
I’m interested in doing this to release my attachment to things that right now I really want – not because I want them but because it sucks to feel attached and wavering between excited and then doubtful. Let’s say I’m really attached to knowing/seeing a certain person, who I’ll call X. I know I don’t need that to be happy. I could walk away and never see her again and I’d be fine – a little upset, but fine. But that’s so not what I want! But I do want to have a glimpse into my true nature so that I can let go of this attachment…
There are things that I really want in life – like a wonderful relationship, a successful career, real friendships with like-minded people, connections with the people who inspire me, to travel and meet new people, as well as growing spiritually. I don’t think it’s all or nothing. But to go away and release a big chunk of my attachment personality, that would be so great. Can you still really want something though and just be not attached to having it? How does that work? When I want something, I am not cool, calm and collected. I am hyperactive, energized, excited and …trying hard to let go so I can feel normal! (No-one is though so it’s okay.)
So since I’m not about to go and live on a mountain top, how do I release my attachment to this strong desire of something that I want right now? How do I want it less and not care if I get it? Isn’t the intention and desire necessary to make it manifest? Maybe I just need to get excited about what I want and trust that it’s coming to me, yet release attachments to the outcome.
Maybe a silent retreat for a month would be a great idea for me to practice non-attachment – and at least I’d kick my Facebook addiction! Not as extreme as letting go of all your possessions (what if you wanted them back later?!) and going away for two whole years… That’s madness! But maybe it’s clarity. Maybe my lens is fogged up so I can’t see the truth. J
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